Tibetan Buddhist Lamrim: Exchanging Self with Others
Challenging the ego-centric perspective, promoting a shift towards universal compassion and the aspiration to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Tibetan Buddhist Lamrim is the path to enlightenment. It’s a step-by-step emotional journey from ruthless self-centeredness, the natural human condition, to a compassionate focus on the needs and wants of others.
It’s not a quick and easy transformation, but if one travels the path, over and over again, eventually, even the hardest heart will transform.
The first step on the journey is to understand that in order to feel compassion for all living beings, one must learn to treat others equally.
The second step is to recognize the feelings of affectionate love you want to cultivate for all living beings. The traditional Buddhist approach is to start with mother love, a nearly universal experience, even if not recognized as such. If the mother relationship is strained, others can be substituted, but it would be wise to heal the mother relationship as well.
The first two steps reveal the destination of the journey. The third step it to begin extrapolating the love for mother to all living beings.
The fourth, fifth, and sixth steps are designed to help overcome common barriers encountered on the journey.
People must learn to treat others equally, but that does not mean equally lowly. Practitioners must learn that they shouldn’t value their own needs and wants over others.
Most people resist valuing others as highly as themselves, so Tibetan Lamrim prompts practitioners to meditate on the specific disadvantages of valuing themselves so highly and the advantages of valuing others.
The seventh step is a huge emotional leap, impossible to make or even comprehend without the preceding steps on the journey.
It’s like the Apollo moon program where they made several missions into earth orbit to prepare themselves for Apollo 8 where they orbited the moon.
Exchanging self with others is akin to an emotional moonshot.
Exchanging self with others
Exchanging self with others is an advanced practice that goes beyond cherishing others and involves a profound shift in perspective and attitude. This practice encourages practitioners to view the welfare and happiness of others as more important than their own.
The core principle of exchanging self with others is to shift the center of one's concern from oneself to all sentient beings. Practitioners aim to prioritize the well-being and happiness of others above their own.
Exchanging self with others involves developing profound empathy. Practitioners strive to understand and share in the feelings, experiences, and suffering of others as if they were their own.
This practice works to eliminate self-centeredness and ego-clinging. Practitioners consciously let go of self-cherishing attitudes and the belief that their own happiness is more important than others'.
Exchanging self with others naturally leads to the cultivation of compassion and altruism. The genuine wish to alleviate the suffering and promote the happiness of others becomes the driving force behind all actions.
The practice of exchanging self with others integrates loving-kindness (Metta) meditation. Practitioners generate boundless love and goodwill for all beings, transcending personal preferences.
This practice reduces and eventually eliminates negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, and pride. These emotions are rooted in self-centeredness and are gradually replaced by qualities like patience and humility.
Exchanging self with others fosters forgiveness and tolerance. Practitioners become more forgiving of others' faults and more patient with their shortcomings.
Exchanging self with others is considered a profound step on the path to enlightenment (Buddhahood). It aligns with the Bodhisattva ideal, where one aspires to attain Buddhahood not only for oneself but to guide all sentient beings to liberation from suffering.
My son is my Holy Spiritual Guide
I am the parent of a special needs son, currently age 22. It was apparent early on, that he wasn’t typical. At 18 months, we realized he was moderately to severely autistic. I had to learn to accept him and the situation.
Every spiritual realization I have is from working with him. I owe him everything.
My primary work with him is to practice complete Exchanging Self with Other, abandoning my own will to fulfill his.
In some ways, the practice is very simple, but truly surrendering to the process completely can be very difficult.
I likely would never have thought of this practice if not for Lamrim.
I don’t merely try to “put myself in his shoes;” that’s only part of the way.
I don’t imagine what he wants, weigh it against what I want, and try to compromise. That’s half-assed.
While consideration is essential for Kindness, a virtue, it falls short of the mark I set for this practice.
I ignore what I Want as useless information. (Difficulty 10) This never gets easier… well, maybe a little, but you never master it.
I give him 100% of my undivided attention for as long as possible. Completely undivided. (Difficulty 5) This is merely focused concentration, something I should always practice.
I determine what he wants, exercise my wisdom on appropriateness, and then practice Giving. (Difficulty: Currently 0, Previously 10). This area improves dramatically with practice. It’s also just good parenting.
This practice is both easy and challenging, exhausting and exhilarating if you do it moment by moment without a break.
I don’t exchange once for a moment, watch a movie to please myself, and then go back to see what’s happening. That’s not it.
It takes focused concentration until I permit him to practice Mario Kart or engage in some other activity by himself briefly while I recharge.
As a side benefit, he demonstrates the Qi value of Play, warming my heart.
I find the practice so rewarding, Qi inducing, that I find the times of recharge are fewer and shorter.
That happens with practice. Everything gets better.
He’s autistic, so I can’t spoil him; I can practice whenever I want.
He likes it.
A week together
I went on a seven day vacation just the two of us. I spent all seven days on a spiritual retreat of sorts with him. Each moment of each day, I asked myself what I would want to do if I were him. I didn’t allow myself to even ask myself what I would want. I considered all the available activities and exclusively selected what I thought would bring him the most joy.
It was one of the best experiences of my life, not because I had fun doing things I enjoy, but I lived vicariously through him, and experienced joy to a depth I had not previously known.
In some ways the practice is easier with a special needs person because you know they can’t take advantage of you or become spoiled, but in some ways it’s harder because it takes a great deal of focus and attention to keep him engaged constantly.
I highly recommend the practice.
Meditation on Exchanging Self with Other
The meditation is designed to motivate practice. It’s an extended contemplation the recaps the Lamrim journey through this point and focuses on the determination to engage in the practice.
Contemplation
Consider what you read in this post and focus on the following first-person narrative:
I have lived this life an countless previous lives in slavish devotion to my selfish mind, obeying its commands, pursuing its wants without question. I’ve cultivated a mind of self-importance believing the way to solve my problems and be happy is to put myself first. I’ve worked hard for eons, yet I have nothing to show for it. I haven’t solved my problems, and I am not happy. It’s clear that pursing my own selfish interests is a fool’s errand, a process that inevitably leads to failure. After having indulged my self-cherishing for so long, it’s time to admit that I failed, and I need a new plan. Now is the time to shift the object of my cherishing from myself to others. From here on will will cherish all living beings over myself.
Object of Meditation
Having contemplated the truth above, a strong determination will arise to begin cherishing others. This determination is the object of meditation.
We should hold this feeling in our heart for as long as possible.
When we rise from meditation and encounter people and animals in our daily lives, we should engage in the practice of exchanging self with others.
In summary, Tibetan Buddhist Lamrim teachings on exchanging self with others involve a profound transformation of one's perspective and attitude. This practice aims to dissolve self-centeredness, develop deep empathy and compassion, and prioritize the welfare of all sentient beings above one's own. It is considered an advanced stage of the Mahayana path and a powerful means to attain spiritual awakening and benefit all beings.